Lost Soul

I search my empty mind ,ask myself what it takes
what it takes to stand up to the world
I wander the deserted streets ,searching my soul
though it is something that's lost for ever

I ask a thousand questions ,shout a steaming curse
nothing ever is answered ,those stars so mute
I look for a pure smile ,all around my gloomy space
yet can't find one ,there are doubts in those faces

I lie down on the bed, thinking it would give me sleep
it promises me a zillion dreams, of days to come
yet I lie there eyes wide open, exorcizing ghosts of past
how many times have I fell, slain by the trusted knights

Oh I Loved it

--Who is but the form following the function what and what I am is I am the man in the mask

--I am not questioning the powers of your observation, but I am merely remarking the paradox of asking the masked man who he is?

--Remember Remember the 5th of November

--The only thing that you and I have in common is Mr Creedy that we are both going to Die

--Beneath this mask there is more than flesh, beneath this mask there is an Idea Mr. Creedy and ideas are bullet proof.

--Oh please have mercy .Oh not tonight Bishop not tonight

--This country needs more than a building now, it needs hope

Gone

I am not bothered about this dejection
but what I Cant handle is rejection

life has new ways to teach you
I would always prefer a hit on palm
than a rap on my knuckles

it hurts and hurts like hell
but when the doors close
Windows are the only option
What ever the show has to go on

words flow as tears down my cheek
dont worry l am too proud to cry in public

To Trust Is To Suffer?

            Two protagonists in Shantaram discuss a thought, one a bandit who escaped from a prison and the other a lady involved in dark business of underworld ,” To trust is to suffer”. My idea of taking this in was a little sceptical, common what kind of world are we in, reading and thinking about words of people disowned by the laws of land, the land here is world, for the characters discussing this thought are one an Australian and other a German who found their safe haven in the womb of that very city called Bombay or Mumbai what-ever.
            I read this page on last Thursday while on a flight to Delhi , whoever said that I stopped there for a minute ,well can it be true ,if to trust is to suffer then the very basics of our human establishment is being challenged isn’t it. What kind of world it would have been without trust, I was beginning to think whether an investment of 495 on the book was a good option, anyway it had given me something to do on what would otherwise been a boring journey. Somehow the thought clung to me as a chewing gum to a slipper and resurfaced every now and then.
            Then something happened on that hot Sunday afternoon where I found that I had laid my eggs in the wrong nest, and that made me go back to the thought again, this time I left out the protagonists (for I think myself as a good Samaritan and putting myself in a bandit’s shoes was a non-thought) and focussed on the words alone. Without trust we would not exist ,while I say that I have given it a fair thought, come to think of this ,the second person you know in this world a relationship you start to develop when you come to senses for the very first time in this world the relationship called father is nothing but “Trust” isn’t it.
            Then another disturbing thought came to my mind ,we as a race are we destined to suffer one way or other, some for existence and some for a relationship to lean onto Yes ! To trust is to suffer isn’t it, it is that simple. All the philosophy of living in a civilized society hides in this one simple line, to trust is to suffer. I went back to a very fundamental relationship of life ,marriage ,for my convenience I took the Indian way of marriage for my analysis, is the branding during that marriage be it a necklace , or a ring or even the oath to God a way of telling to ourselves well we do not trust one another ,so we need a spectacle and thousand witnesses or is it set that way because as the civilization evolved the unwritten principles formed ,for we all ,we superior race strive to remove the suffering isn’t it and trust was taken away from the institution called marriage.
            I could not make my mind one way or other, my inner-self probably which was by influenced by the emotional state I am in was willing to agree and then other saner one was continuing to argue no it can’t be true, “pessimistic thought buddy” it was shouting. So with this conflict I turned on the pages hoping to find the answers in it annals in the early hours of Tuesday morning, there it was, one other plaintive character, a tourist guide in Mumbai speaking those words “Hunger for want of something is suffering- You do not want anything, you cannot suffer” .Hmm something to think about for tonight when I lie down on that dusty carpet.

BLOG ON THE GO

lam writing this While on way to COCHIN from DELHI.from the day I hear d that Johnny depp was abt to do Shantaram,I could not Wait to get hands on the book,till Somedays the passion held and I forgot the book once i was baCK to 'yIndia.
Todaywhen I casually strolled out of office for my regular Cup of tea l found the DC book fair at the door step of Bhavani building,I Caught a glance at Wilbur Smith and my thoughts went back to the fateful evening Where I bought his book "a time to die " ,the book still pleads me to read and I want to put that down as quickly as i can,one page makes my Stomach churn and by the time I drag myself to the end of second page I am already sleeping.its a classic throw back to my College days when browsing through a Couple of pages of my "yellow pad " was enough to provide a drugged sleep of 18 hours.I simply Walked along this time happy to be a Coward.today was the day when my mind was on nothing and that actually ends up being quite heavy on my pocket.
the odds were Stacked against me on this day.I have got the Salary, moreover, I was looking at 16 hours of travel and mr smith has already terrified me to taKe him along with me.Strangely I was patient today ,the one trait that normally deserts me when I've got money in the pocket.So,I moved along and thats When greg caught my attention.Shantaram is Sitting neXt to me ,he Cant wait to Continue his Story ;got to go ,Seems to be a nIce guy so far

REGISTER

My Bike story

             For years i wanted to purchase a bike , right from my college days.While i have to admit that i do not have the skill to weave through the traffic like they show in the movies or even the people i normally see on the roads, this wish grew with age.I was too afraid to ask for a bike for the reason that my Dad would never buy me one or probably for an internal realisation that it would be my another contribution in breaking my Dad's other wise comfortable finances.(True i am talking about a bike).I used to often pick up one of friends bikes and dash of to Tirupathi ,the near by town to my college ,those 16 kilometers stretch used to be mine,I vividly remember my foolishness when i tried to show of one of my stunts to a new crush of mine,but fell flat on my back (luckily the bike slipped and fell 4 feet away from me allowing me to pen this blog today).I had to shell my three months pocket money to get the bike back in to shape and had to miss the college tour.Those three months i never touched a bike again(though you would know that no one would have perhaps lent me a
bike).

Fast Forward Three Months

              My friend was coming back to hostel after his vacation at home ,and he chose a day when the whole of the transport ( four-wheeled ones ) running on the road decided to take a break by crying foul on the Govt.I do not know how much he pondered before making that fateful call to the hostel asking me to come and pick him up at the station.Boy was i not happy that i had not gone on one of my crazy cricket matches or probably to that tent ( a small make-shift arrangement in a near by village which acted as a theatre) to watch kushi for the fourth time.I got his bike keys from his hideout ,sandwiched between his cot and mattress wrapped up in his old hand-kerchief (I swear if not for the bike i would have not touched it even if it was a kilogram of gold in it),zipped my way out to parking lot and drove to railway station.I made the 20 kilometers distance in about 40 minutes,that's how my second stint with the bike started.

Fast Forward Final year

             The year i came out from my hostel hide-out and ventured in to the town to set-up a bachelor house hold,I had started dreams of a second hand bike (we used to get them at around 7k ).Every day i would say to myself there comes my pocket money and if i save three months i can get to that ( of course i had to sell at least one part of computer) with my friends help (this guy happened to be a bike fanatic as well).These three months used to pass away like the initial phase of the project and every time the deadline came we pushed the delivery further,three such iterations and i was not required to go to college anymore and I started my south-tamilnadu exploration ( travelling and visiting places is one of my many other ambitions).The bike dreams were still haunting me every night ,only difference was that now the bikes i was setting sight on were new and racy.

Infy First Year

              I had some how with God's grace made to Infy three months before and now had a handsome saving of 4k after the initial burst of happiness where I spent Every pie i earned in a koramangala coffee house ,just to look at the girls who happened to be there round the clock (later learnt that ,investment comes from the party who sits beside,I now understand the looks those guys used to give us,Sheer desperate thoughts of ROI's i guess) .It was here i noticed this bike called Pulsar with disc brakes ,two tyres and a handle and what not,more-over the advertisement definitely male was so attractive ( I only learnt later that many of those who rode it have become clearly doubtful of their gender).My dreams for the second hand bike now was replaced with the 'definitely male' version ,only the situation did not change,the 7k had become 55k and 1000 rs pocket money which i got by never doing anything also did not come by.Meanwhile i got transferred to Hyderabad and in no time to Trivandrum.

Infy Fifth Year

              Back from UK with enough money in pockets ,I have this time decided to buy that elusive bike ,only to find that i am no more interested in having a bike for the fun of that ride on road,but I need it more as a transport means to office,even that dream is fast draining down the ever moving chain of my thoughts,The sheer thought of driving along with the KSRTC buses makes even a grand prix look a more better version of trying to kill myself .But everyday the inner self gets a calm assurance that it is not only me who has the passion but not the skill to drive ,but every other guy on the road is same,probably i did a favour to someone a son,father,brother,lover by not satisfying ( you never know probably i did a favour to my family) my dream of buying that bike when i was less judicious and would have done the same by chasing things ( i don't know one version of vehicle that follows a normal basic common sense) on road as does the dog which chases a car for no reason.

Foot Note: The author is currently doing a test ride on " The definitely Make Thing" second hand though and is out of his mind.


Inspirations : Foot note idea stolen from TEDKA ,while the contemplation on what could have been otherwise was inspired by "The United Kerala Vehicle Driving (Killer) association"