Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Still can't figure out

I burnt my dairy today the 14th of December what did I achieve , yes I got the thought that I am still like those ashes that remained , which blew right and then left with wind , the ashes did not have a direction of its own and I do no either, I am 27 years young but still with no direction , not long ago I thought I had it figured it out ,every thing in my life looked rosy and cosy and planned , but one fateful day changed all that and I still am searching for what I want .The ashes of my dairy , even when they went to oblivion they taught me a thing or two about life , nothing is permanent , so don’t take any thing for granted,
I always thought I am better in some other place, I can be something I want, but I seldom realised that I could have been what I wanted in this place, at this time, saving ones energy for future seems futile to me at this point in time, spend it now says my immediate experience, so that’s what I am looking forward to, I may fail as I have in past but at least it is my failure.
It feels strange, very strange to me that I feel bad very bad to leave this place , I have reaped lot of pain here, where have I not , I cant go back to my birth place , for it is laden with too heavy memories from the death of my fathers elder brother death to his younger ones betrayal , my college place where my indecisiveness still puzzles me , and this place where I have loved and lost , so I dug deep and found the answer , and it was me the answer was me , I had every thing to blame , I lived in the past and dreamt about the future , and I now know that It wont work , through the journey I have earned friends , some as soft as a petal and others as hard as whip , but they have endured me and as I have my life , 27 years is too young for the above shit , but I owe it o the following people and it is my way of letting them know

I have not included my dad in the list , I don’t want be mean him , if there is a soul on the earth that would bear the dirt thrown at it, by it’s own flesh and blood , it could be none other than the man I excluded , I owe it to him and I will live by his rules and his fancies , it’s not a sacrifice but it’s a tribute , if ever there is one I would pay it to ,it would be to him.

Memories behave in a crazy way, they leave you alone when you are in a crowd and when you are alone they stand along like a crowd …. Strange are life’s ways and I am no stranger to them …….

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Goa lSetting

I was just trying to figure out what my life was like in office after the recent goal setting,just was not able to figure it out,there weren't enough word's or i wasn't able to get the correct word's.
Then I came home had a couple of soul softner's and started reading my favourite comic strip,i don't know if i can call that any more ,but it ran thus
A: I am guessing a number between 1 and six million can you tell the numbet
B: 11
A: no, any second guess
B: vanishes
A: Don't you want to play a game....

I don't need to tell you I was B right.....

Monday, August 24, 2009

My Dream

I wake up ,its morning again ,or why would there be sunlight in my window ,wait , oh my eyes are wide open ,but my brain isn’t ,was it the drink I had yesterday night, yesterday ? What day is it today, no it was not yesterday, it was the day before, and does it really matter? What is that smell, it feels like a lily in a pond of litter, it is not supposed to be here, now where is the smell coming from? Why is my head spinning and why do I not recognize my own room? Questions lot more questions, I have to have that coffee, but aren’t my legs bound and my mouth gagged, where am I, was this question I was supposed to ask first?
It doesn’t feel good, it never does when one doesn’t wake up in the same bed he has slept, am I moving? Or is it that I am imagining this in my head , and what is this place, now the same smell again ,only I feel it a little more strong, is that thing coming closer to me , or is it just playing with me ?.I calm down take a deep breath, I feel like I am being pulled down a labyrinth with end nowhere in sight, it is a maze and I can’t get out, I gasp for breath , there is something behind me ,its growing by the minute ,I keep running , I am losing my strength , I know I am going to faint ,it doesn’t make any sense to me ,I should be in bed ,I am supposed to be sleeping, I can still remember the flight journey ,I can remember the sea beneath ,I can remember the landing ,but after that it goes blank ,I cannot remember who I am, I cannot understand why I am running and I cannot understand who is that behind me ,I smell it again the same smell , like a lily in the pond of litter ,a faint smell but I know she is here, I reach out for her, all I catch is thin air ,I cry out for her ,all I hear is my own voice. The thing chasing me is now on me, I look at it in the eye, I don’t understand what I see, it’s me a younger me, staring in to my face, the thing smiles, I shudder and faint , a hand I know very well shakes me up ,I open my eyes , there is light in the window, I know it is sunlight ,I have seen it before , I will see it again….


It was one of the moments where you think you rule the world and all your aides are going to kiss your arse for the accomplishment you have achieved, it was one of such weak moments for me, but the moments that followed were perhaps the most enlightening, in retrospection though. That’s one bad thing about the current moment ,it is seldom correct when you start thinking about it a few years ,months ,days ,minutes or even seconds later, beware I am speaking of average men, not the ones that these Hollywood movie producers and Indian viewers are currently addicted to ,where else in the world will you get to watch GI JOE. It was one such moment and now when I think of it, it makes me shudder.
I had called up a long and very close friend of mine ,till that point very close to me ,to tell him about a new relationship I picked up in my life, spat came the answer, what does her father do ?,I answered ,within the next moment came the next question does she know who you are? The answer came out of my mouth in an instant, but in that one instant I lived a thousand lives, a thousand frames from the past 12 years scrolling on my mind like a faded out kaleidoscope .The moment ,ok , let’s call it a second ,like that guy in the American beauty says ,it’s not a second actually ,it is much longer than that, I saw a guy accompanying one of my then friends come home ,I don’t really remember why , may be because those days guys in my class though I was really smart , you know how the school system works in India ,and that too in rural ( oh they tell me now that it was a town ,not that it makes any difference though) areas ,I had this rank badge and may be that was why that guy who was then a boy , as I was, strode home to pay the “ big brain “ (later the guy who accompanied my other friend conferred this to some other guy in my class ,should I say our class) a courtesy visit ,which would later help him ( as I said retrospection after years when you are wiser than you were at that time ,brings a beast in you out, I still hate what I said about that boy ,yeah he is still a boy in my memory because he ceased to exist after that moment in my life, maybe it is true , maybe it is not ).Pay attention to the content in brackets , that last one at the least ,because they are the crucial part of this story ,because that’s where I lost my identity ,that’s where I ceased to exist ,now that I think of it ,this thinking beware has started only few months back ,so I am still a ,what was I then ,12 ,13 sorry I do not remember my age when I lost me ,in this concrete jungle ( oh ! I loved that word ,whenever I read a English novel ,especially the ones written for Booker prizes ,in truth I was only in a ghetto ( I know the meaning of that word now ) , divided by a matrix of sewage pipes and oh I forgot three common toilets for a woven family of 5 rented houses ,was it six , I hate it ,I keep forgetting the number of rented houses our land lord had, but I do precisely remember mine ( my father’s I wasn’t earning at that time and that was a wrong phrase to use forgive ,me ) was the first from the toilets .
Okay where was I ,yeah , I re-read the words I had typed before the parenthesis , I lost myself courtesy that visit, I was amazed at the boy who accompanied the friend of mine. He was from a bigger school and had a bigger view of world; he spoke of things I have never listened before. Red Fort, for me then was farther than moon because I could see moon and I could not see Red Fort, you get the picture of me don’t you. I loved Sachin Tendulkar and this guy did, I hated (Opinion has changed after retrospection today ,as I said I have nothing more to say on retrospection ,thanks for reading the parenthesis , I guess now you know I have put some important pieces of Gyaan in parenthesis , I once lost my first rank because I missed out a word in that ,thinking that parenthesis are useless ,well let someone say that to me …..) Sourav Gangly and every time he scored higher than Sachin I cursed everyone around, even the poor commentator who was just telling us what was going on in the match. I took an instant liking to him , he lived in a house which had a separate bathroom ,goddamit a separate bathroom ,( lot of apologies to my father ,he did what he could do with his income ),but I accept ,peeing in your own bathroom ,with no one knocking on the door ,as nature urges him, is one of the best things that can happen in your child hood ,it gets better even better when it is in open when the other guy can join you in it, imparting what could be the best of the knowledge someone imparts in to you ( after all who are you and me ,Archimedes had come running out a bathroom shouting Eureka ).
Okay, I am taking it on the poor reader of this piece of ….. With my so called hatred towards parenthesis, well how many more can you read? With one more promise added to those millions I have made to myself, there won’t be many more parenthesis in this piece (I leave it you what you think this piece is). Oh Sorry!! You know what it is for.
Back to the center plot, so I got engrossed with this guy so much that I took lot of interest in him ,the way he speaks ,the way he walks, sorry but this is my blog ,even the way he satisfied his natural urges ,It was sooner I became him and he became my soul’s boss ,though he would not know until he reads this. Then something horrible happened to me, I fell ill with Typhoid and had to take my eight h exams private, the next step to my higher degree which would not happen, not until 8 years later. Then my dad shifted my school, he really thought that the dungeon I was in did not fit my brains. For me it meant a lot, now that I think of it, it was the first turning point in my life, Where would I have learnt about debonair and swathi, even while munching away my books till the regional news played out on the TV (I swear, I have near heard that completely, I would fall asleep .believe me this promise is not like the one I made on parenthesis).
I and this guy who came home became the best buddies, we did everything together, not the peeing you see, he had a separate bathroom and I went to the common one. He treated me well and I devoured him ,for all he was ,I never used to think what others would think of me if I did this ,I will quote for an instance this small event, me and this guys with some other boys were playing cricket and a girl ( oh !! I had this weakness for girls, specially the cute ones) next door came to us and asked us if we could buy her a chart and cardboard for the next day’s science .I gladly accepted ,I had forgotten the basic rule there ,you do not help opponents win a war against you ,the most basic rule a sane man (boy ) would think ,I was her competitor ,much later in that evening ,I was admonished by the boy I had started to admire a long ago, he said girls get you do this stuff ,when you ogle at them , they catch you by your throat and strangle you to their advantage, well that was one lesion I never learnt ,even today let a girl ask me a favor I don’t hesitate, well I guess it came with that common bathroom thing of mine, I need to wash it off as soon as possible.
There was this advertisement in the TV which said “Pyar hua ikaraar hua ….” ,you get it now don’t you what ad it was ,but then in those days ,with doordarshan ,I did not have that door darshan,I asked my family and received a moratorium on TV ,they sanctioned me only programs which did not contain this ad , alas the government in their bid to stop us ( not me then ) multiplying inserted that ad in to the programs I was allowed to watch and there was nothing my family could do about it. I think it was then I reached my adolescence, I guessed it years later. My thirst for knowledge ,common I was a badge holder in the school before that made me put this question to the guy who I had admired and was now my friend , it was one of the best answers I received and I swear that I remember each word of it till day and if you are lucky enough to have a couple of drinks with me you will get to know , I would not put it on my blog though ,”as it is “ .some profound fundamentalist or self appointed moral police of our great country ( aptly described by Lays packet of chips ,that is if you had that packet in your hands courtesy some of your friend was rich enough to buy it , six ,seven I keep forgetting the number years ago ,India is one country which in thousand years has not invaded any other country ,what they don’t say is that in that time we were ruled by 6 other tribes ,where was the chance to invade others, like all of this piece ,sorry rather long piece ,it is a Gyaan imparted by retrospection) will flag my blog as adult material ,which is a serious sin for me to commit.
So coming back to focal point of the story (to those who have read my parenthesis story) , returning back to that one phone call from the foreign country I made (yeah I have been to a foreign land you sick .. ),I aspired to become him in my school days ,but life has strange ways and we parted after school ,I mean physically ,do I see a raised brow , reader ,well not in that sense ,but we went on different paths ,and what did I do ,I searched and found another person I wanted to be for two more years of my life, I found one and dreamed of becoming him ,then the scene shifted to the college and then here I found too many I wanted to become and I lost way. Lot of my friends had this person whom they used to mysteriously hide from others ,and we being we, were always inquisitive ,we had to find this person , then after a year I understood that this one person was called a Girl Friend and you ought to have one for people to discuss about you even when you are not there with them ,he took her there ,he took her here ,they both did this together ,you know they both weren’t in class together blah blah …
In these six years I created a tag for myself ,I had a imaginary girl friend ( to be true to the readers a nice girl in the same college who happened to be beautiful ,I swear the latter was only a second thougt,I would have taken any one for real) . The guy whom I had met 12 years back was still the fulcrum which my entire world revolved around. I got myself a job and then it was then I realized that I had become someone, I earned and I spent , it was that simple, still the only thing that worries me most is that I do not have a bathroom of my own, anyone can tell me how much it costs for owning a bathroom,I hate it when someone knocks on my door ,it is like a sore face sticking out from the mirror I look in to every morning ,it reminds me of the thing of past ,the matrix of sewages and my childishness where I was always trying to become someone else, even till past few months where I was always imagining myself in those better shoes , I don’t know what is the best Reebok or Nike or Adidas ,but I always wanted to move out of my Action shoes into one of those ,until after 12 years I realized that I had the best shoes then and now and who knows I will have the best in the future too.
Honesty is the best policy and when I evaded that root ,ignoring who I am and what was my present I always ended on a losing side ,until now I cursed the result and did not dare to look at the path I had taken, I was too frightened to take the road less travelled ,or I am said is less travelled ,to cut short I was afraid to take the path my Dad travelled and it has landed me here ,looking at my past and picking up pieces of my life , stitch it together and see it as one landscape ( with gaping holes that needle makes while stitching crudely ).I no longer imagine myself flying with Spiderman when I watch that movie ( I watch it every Sunday mind you ) ,nor do I put myself in the shoes of that guy who has his own bathroom. Today I fly free and within my boundaries ,for I always remember to hate my thought of wanting to be another person ,I have realized that how far ever you go that route ,the stinking traits of your own would be strewn along the path for you to pick up later on a retrospective evening , no one else will know ,even the guy whom you had wanted to become wouldn’t ,but you and you alone will surely know and when you know ,that would be the end of all that you wanted to be , and you would not enjoy a moment of it ,even if you had ten of your own bathrooms . You would yearn for that one knock on the door, which would never come, better late than never.
PS: If you read through this, the author would not mind to alleviate the pain that the reader’s soul has endured thorough the length and breadth of this piece, without making out much for himself, by apologizing for the language used here-in-with.the bathroom analogy however fits best to what the author meant to say, though he may or may not have succeeded, but he knows what he wrote. If you want to be like him torturing souls which wander aimlessly and are foolish enough to read this, for your Q & A contact him at sundar.moorthy@gmail .com. No threats are tolerated and will be duly reported to cyber crimes of Indian govt.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Why do you get angry ?

This question popped up in my mind last night,so I rephrased this question and asked Why do i get angry ? , I thought about this for a while and then forgot ,but a couple of incidents in office today gave me my answer and that impetus to think about it ,Marlboro ( courtesy room mate ) helps as well, at least it does in my case.

1. I get angry when I am helpless in a situation.
2. I get angry when someone talks about my mistakes.
3. I get angry when i screw-up and i realize.

Hmmm... need to keep thinking ... this time i am serious of getting out anger from my system...

Books I have Completed This Week

1. The Last Frontier:
The same crap about a British agent - Reynolds ..Seriously I should watch my falling standards.

2 . Five Point Someone:
Basically a re-read,The institute i secretly wanted to be in ,probably thats what makes me read this stuff,I would have been like that for sure ....

3. A time to die :
Wilbur smith ,seriously a comment on this not worth as well ,best seller my axxx

4. Three Mistakes of my life:
This was the third mistake of the week .......

5. Shantaram
The best among the lot this week (but i had started it a month ago

Sunday, May 31, 2009


There was the dialogue in the movie Se7en which I watched yesterday. The dialogue goes thus
“Well I am positive, that I made the right decision but there is not a day that passes that I don’t wish that I made a different choice”
So the basic question that popped out in mind was that is it better to take a correct decision or take a decision that would let you have peace for rest of life? Well if the other decision would have given you peace, was it not the correct decision in first place.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Lost Soul

I search my empty mind ,ask myself what it takes
what it takes to stand up to the world
I wander the deserted streets ,searching my soul
though it is something that's lost for ever

I ask a thousand questions ,shout a steaming curse
nothing ever is answered ,those stars so mute
I look for a pure smile ,all around my gloomy space
yet can't find one ,there are doubts in those faces

I lie down on the bed, thinking it would give me sleep
it promises me a zillion dreams, of days to come
yet I lie there eyes wide open, exorcizing ghosts of past
how many times have I fell, slain by the trusted knights

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Oh I Loved it

--Who is but the form following the function what and what I am is I am the man in the mask

--I am not questioning the powers of your observation, but I am merely remarking the paradox of asking the masked man who he is?

--Remember Remember the 5th of November

--The only thing that you and I have in common is Mr Creedy that we are both going to Die

--Beneath this mask there is more than flesh, beneath this mask there is an Idea Mr. Creedy and ideas are bullet proof.

--Oh please have mercy .Oh not tonight Bishop not tonight

--This country needs more than a building now, it needs hope

Sunday, April 12, 2009


I am not bothered about this dejection
but what I Cant handle is rejection

life has new ways to teach you
I would always prefer a hit on palm
than a rap on my knuckles

it hurts and hurts like hell
but when the doors close
Windows are the only option
What ever the show has to go on

words flow as tears down my cheek
dont worry l am too proud to cry in public

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

To Trust Is To Suffer?

            Two protagonists in Shantaram discuss a thought, one a bandit who escaped from a prison and the other a lady involved in dark business of underworld ,” To trust is to suffer”. My idea of taking this in was a little sceptical, common what kind of world are we in, reading and thinking about words of people disowned by the laws of land, the land here is world, for the characters discussing this thought are one an Australian and other a German who found their safe haven in the womb of that very city called Bombay or Mumbai what-ever.
            I read this page on last Thursday while on a flight to Delhi , whoever said that I stopped there for a minute ,well can it be true ,if to trust is to suffer then the very basics of our human establishment is being challenged isn’t it. What kind of world it would have been without trust, I was beginning to think whether an investment of 495 on the book was a good option, anyway it had given me something to do on what would otherwise been a boring journey. Somehow the thought clung to me as a chewing gum to a slipper and resurfaced every now and then.
            Then something happened on that hot Sunday afternoon where I found that I had laid my eggs in the wrong nest, and that made me go back to the thought again, this time I left out the protagonists (for I think myself as a good Samaritan and putting myself in a bandit’s shoes was a non-thought) and focussed on the words alone. Without trust we would not exist ,while I say that I have given it a fair thought, come to think of this ,the second person you know in this world a relationship you start to develop when you come to senses for the very first time in this world the relationship called father is nothing but “Trust” isn’t it.
            Then another disturbing thought came to my mind ,we as a race are we destined to suffer one way or other, some for existence and some for a relationship to lean onto Yes ! To trust is to suffer isn’t it, it is that simple. All the philosophy of living in a civilized society hides in this one simple line, to trust is to suffer. I went back to a very fundamental relationship of life ,marriage ,for my convenience I took the Indian way of marriage for my analysis, is the branding during that marriage be it a necklace , or a ring or even the oath to God a way of telling to ourselves well we do not trust one another ,so we need a spectacle and thousand witnesses or is it set that way because as the civilization evolved the unwritten principles formed ,for we all ,we superior race strive to remove the suffering isn’t it and trust was taken away from the institution called marriage.
            I could not make my mind one way or other, my inner-self probably which was by influenced by the emotional state I am in was willing to agree and then other saner one was continuing to argue no it can’t be true, “pessimistic thought buddy” it was shouting. So with this conflict I turned on the pages hoping to find the answers in it annals in the early hours of Tuesday morning, there it was, one other plaintive character, a tourist guide in Mumbai speaking those words “Hunger for want of something is suffering- You do not want anything, you cannot suffer” .Hmm something to think about for tonight when I lie down on that dusty carpet.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


lam writing this While on way to COCHIN from DELHI.from the day I hear d that Johnny depp was abt to do Shantaram,I could not Wait to get hands on the book,till Somedays the passion held and I forgot the book once i was baCK to 'yIndia.
Todaywhen I casually strolled out of office for my regular Cup of tea l found the DC book fair at the door step of Bhavani building,I Caught a glance at Wilbur Smith and my thoughts went back to the fateful evening Where I bought his book "a time to die " ,the book still pleads me to read and I want to put that down as quickly as i can,one page makes my Stomach churn and by the time I drag myself to the end of second page I am already sleeping.its a classic throw back to my College days when browsing through a Couple of pages of my "yellow pad " was enough to provide a drugged sleep of 18 hours.I simply Walked along this time happy to be a was the day when my mind was on nothing and that actually ends up being quite heavy on my pocket.
the odds were Stacked against me on this day.I have got the Salary, moreover, I was looking at 16 hours of travel and mr smith has already terrified me to taKe him along with me.Strangely I was patient today ,the one trait that normally deserts me when I've got money in the pocket.So,I moved along and thats When greg caught my attention.Shantaram is Sitting neXt to me ,he Cant wait to Continue his Story ;got to go ,Seems to be a nIce guy so far


Friday, January 30, 2009

My Bike story

             For years i wanted to purchase a bike , right from my college days.While i have to admit that i do not have the skill to weave through the traffic like they show in the movies or even the people i normally see on the roads, this wish grew with age.I was too afraid to ask for a bike for the reason that my Dad would never buy me one or probably for an internal realisation that it would be my another contribution in breaking my Dad's other wise comfortable finances.(True i am talking about a bike).I used to often pick up one of friends bikes and dash of to Tirupathi ,the near by town to my college ,those 16 kilometers stretch used to be mine,I vividly remember my foolishness when i tried to show of one of my stunts to a new crush of mine,but fell flat on my back (luckily the bike slipped and fell 4 feet away from me allowing me to pen this blog today).I had to shell my three months pocket money to get the bike back in to shape and had to miss the college tour.Those three months i never touched a bike again(though you would know that no one would have perhaps lent me a

Fast Forward Three Months

              My friend was coming back to hostel after his vacation at home ,and he chose a day when the whole of the transport ( four-wheeled ones ) running on the road decided to take a break by crying foul on the Govt.I do not know how much he pondered before making that fateful call to the hostel asking me to come and pick him up at the station.Boy was i not happy that i had not gone on one of my crazy cricket matches or probably to that tent ( a small make-shift arrangement in a near by village which acted as a theatre) to watch kushi for the fourth time.I got his bike keys from his hideout ,sandwiched between his cot and mattress wrapped up in his old hand-kerchief (I swear if not for the bike i would have not touched it even if it was a kilogram of gold in it),zipped my way out to parking lot and drove to railway station.I made the 20 kilometers distance in about 40 minutes,that's how my second stint with the bike started.

Fast Forward Final year

             The year i came out from my hostel hide-out and ventured in to the town to set-up a bachelor house hold,I had started dreams of a second hand bike (we used to get them at around 7k ).Every day i would say to myself there comes my pocket money and if i save three months i can get to that ( of course i had to sell at least one part of computer) with my friends help (this guy happened to be a bike fanatic as well).These three months used to pass away like the initial phase of the project and every time the deadline came we pushed the delivery further,three such iterations and i was not required to go to college anymore and I started my south-tamilnadu exploration ( travelling and visiting places is one of my many other ambitions).The bike dreams were still haunting me every night ,only difference was that now the bikes i was setting sight on were new and racy.

Infy First Year

              I had some how with God's grace made to Infy three months before and now had a handsome saving of 4k after the initial burst of happiness where I spent Every pie i earned in a koramangala coffee house ,just to look at the girls who happened to be there round the clock (later learnt that ,investment comes from the party who sits beside,I now understand the looks those guys used to give us,Sheer desperate thoughts of ROI's i guess) .It was here i noticed this bike called Pulsar with disc brakes ,two tyres and a handle and what not,more-over the advertisement definitely male was so attractive ( I only learnt later that many of those who rode it have become clearly doubtful of their gender).My dreams for the second hand bike now was replaced with the 'definitely male' version ,only the situation did not change,the 7k had become 55k and 1000 rs pocket money which i got by never doing anything also did not come by.Meanwhile i got transferred to Hyderabad and in no time to Trivandrum.

Infy Fifth Year

              Back from UK with enough money in pockets ,I have this time decided to buy that elusive bike ,only to find that i am no more interested in having a bike for the fun of that ride on road,but I need it more as a transport means to office,even that dream is fast draining down the ever moving chain of my thoughts,The sheer thought of driving along with the KSRTC buses makes even a grand prix look a more better version of trying to kill myself .But everyday the inner self gets a calm assurance that it is not only me who has the passion but not the skill to drive ,but every other guy on the road is same,probably i did a favour to someone a son,father,brother,lover by not satisfying ( you never know probably i did a favour to my family) my dream of buying that bike when i was less judicious and would have done the same by chasing things ( i don't know one version of vehicle that follows a normal basic common sense) on road as does the dog which chases a car for no reason.

Foot Note: The author is currently doing a test ride on " The definitely Make Thing" second hand though and is out of his mind.

Inspirations : Foot note idea stolen from TEDKA ,while the contemplation on what could have been otherwise was inspired by "The United Kerala Vehicle Driving (Killer) association"